Sorry I haven't blogged lately for all of you who've been waiting with bated breath for my next post (ahem...riiight). I just thought I'd post an update to my last blog about what I've been up to lately.
I went to the meeting in Godfrey the day after Thanksgiving. It was my first time there. I got to see my little buddy Levi from Jerseyville (he's like 2 or 3 years old) and asked him if he remembered my name. To my surprise, he answered "Brother Jonathan DURR!" What a cute little guy! I couldn't believe he remembered my whole name. He's probably going to be a politician some day! Bro. Hughes left the meeting early due to an infection from a spider bite on his hand, and he ended up not able to go to the meeting in Mexico due to a follow-up doctor's appt, so I didn't head out of town with him early Sunday morning as originally planned.
Since I didn't have to get back to Paducah in time to get to bed early, we decided to go to Jerseyville for service Saturday night. I'd never been there either. I really enjoyed spending the afternoon with Sam and Gina before service that night. It was worth the trip to hear Bro. Steve Wilkinson (who was also visiting Jerseyville) play the piano and sing. Wow, he is really talented!
We got back to Paducah very late Saturday night and I was able to attend services at home Sunday before heading toward Texas Monday evening. I stopped over at some friends' in Paragould, Arkansas and visited a bit with them Monday night, then drove most of the day Tuesday until I got to Tomball, north of Houston, where I stayed with a really nice couple, Bro. and Sis. Mier, and had a great service there in Bro. Gary Wright's church.
Wednesday I drove the rest of the way to Brownsville and had church with them there. I must say, it was a bit bittersweet being in Brownsville again. For those who don't know, I spent 2 months there when I was 18 while Bro. Jack Lewis was still alive. Seeing Bro. Lewis's old house and the new sign on the small building next to the church that said "The H.J. Lewis Youth Building" was a bit sad. I hadn't been to Brownsville to visit since before he passed away. It is good though to see that his work is continuing.
Bro. Lewis felt called to go to Brownsville to start a mission work in Mexico when he was already well into his sixties. He'd pastored a few small churches but had never really had what most would consider success, but yet he yielded to that call and went with his wife to Brownsville with no contacts in the area, no fluency in Spanish (in a town that is probably 90% or more Spanish-speaking) and started preaching on the street corners. Before long he had his first convert who started translating for him and they eventually started having house meetings in the trailer where Bro. Lewis lived. Fast forward to 1996 when I first came in contact with him, and he had the big church built in Brownsville and probably 10 or 12 churches in Mexico.
Now Bro. Rodriguez is pastoring in Brownsville and Mission, TX and there are probably a total of 15 churches that came out of Bro. Lewis's work. His vision was to someday take the gospel all the way to the southern tip of the South American continent, and he instilled a desire to always be looking for an open door to establish a new church. Bro. Johnny Budd oversees this work now, and they also fellowship regularly with the churches that began from Bro. Frayer's mission to Mexico as well, which are now overseen by Bro. John Wright.
Ok, so there was the background for where I was headed. Before Bro. Lewis died, he spoke with Bro. Memo Cano about starting a work in Veracruz, Mexico. Bro. Memo started going down there from time to time, just every 6 or 8 weeks or so to start with. He started out with only a couple of people who were hungry for more truth, but as time went on, he started going more and more often. Now, as I understand, there are 40 people or so meeting regularly and Bro. Memo goes every other week to be with them. This is about an 18-hour trip by car. I'm not sure how often he drives and how often he flies, but regardless, that's quite a sacrifice. It makes me wonder what more I could be doing for the Lord!
This was the first meeting that was hosted in Veracruz. They invited all of the churches of Mexico as well as several from the U.S. and expected about 200 people to attend. As it turned out, there were nearly 400 there. It was touching to see how hungry the people were for the things of God. I believe the last I heard, there were11 people who received the Holy Ghost as well as 30 who were baptized in water. God is really working in Mexico! Anyone who gets discouraged with things in their life should go see a mission work in person. It will change your perspective.
We got back to Brownsville Sunday afternoon and I went to service there that night. I decided to head out and drive for a few hours after church and stop somewhere whenever I got sleepy. I actually drove for nearly 7 hours, all the way through Houston, before I stopped to sleep awhile at about 5:30 in the morning! I stopped at a gas station/truck stop and slept for about an hour before I woke up with the sunrise. I slept another hour and a half later on, but drove most of the day till I got to Jonesboro, Arkansas where I got my first good night's sleep in about a week.
I drove back to Paducah Tuesday and was only there for a few hours. You'd think I'd have had enough driving, but I called Bro. Encil and asked if he was at the ministers' meeting in Louisville to see if I might be able to get a place to stay if I went. He actually hadn't left yet, but asked if I'd drive him up, so I did. We didn't leave until after 10pm! It was really great traveling with Bro. Encil and staying in the hotel with him. I really enjoyed all of the one on one conversation time with my pastor.
We came back Thursday, and I actually stayed put for a couple of days! Then Saturday I got in the car and went to visit Bro. Truman Benfield's church in Memphis. I must be either really good or really bad to need that much church! lol Seriously though, I have really enjoyed being able to visit so many different places over the last few weeks. That was my goal when I decided to take a few weeks off, and I think it's been really good for me. That trip to Texas was the first time I'd ever taken a long road trip by myself, and you know, I found out that I'm pretty good company! LOL I kept myself entertained by playing CDs and listening to the radio and singing at the top of my lungs. (I may have even been seen car dancing on some of those long lonely stretches of Texas highway!) : )
So that pretty much concludes my reeeeaaaalllllyy long blog post. If anyone has actually stayed with me till this point, send me a comment and I'll know that you are a real trooper to sit down and read all of this! Sorry to inflict such minutia on you! LOL Comment me and maybe I'll make it up to you by buying your lunch or something some time. LOL
Until next time,
Jonathan
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
11/22/06: Retirement Plans
Well, I am now 1 week into my "retirement"! LOL
Of course, I'm a bit young to be retired for real, but I am taking a few weeks off from work before I start school on January 8th. I haven't posted a blog in a while, and I'm about to be out of town for a bit, so I thought I would offer an update to tide you over (as if everyone were just holding their collective breath!).
So far, retirement has been busy. I just moved the last of my stuff out of my apartment and into Mom's house. Actually most of my worldly possessions currently reside in her much too-crowded garage at the moment. I have come to the conclusion that I have TOO MUCH STUFF. Life would be simpler if I could carry all my possessions in a sack. Probably not happening. Oh well. I digress . . .
So tomorrow is Thanksgiving with the families (yes that's plural; holidays get complicated when the parents are divorced), then Friday morning about 6:30am I am headed for Godfrey for the remainder of the meeting there. I will return to Paducah Saturday night, only to get up and hit the road again by 7am Sunday morning.
I am headed out of town with Bro. Tim Hughes en route to a 2-day meeting in Veracruz, Mexico. The plan is to visit several churches on the way to Brownsville, Texas--tentatively Paragould, Arkansas Sunday morning followed by Little Rock Sunday night, then possibly San Antonio and Dallas and 1 or 2 more in Texas. On Thursday, we will get on the bus with the Brownsville people to head south to Veracruz for the meeting.
Just to give some perspective on this trip, if we were to drive straight through, it takes approximately 21 hours to get to Brownsville from Paducah--it is the southernmost point in the BIG state of Texas. Then, from Brownsville, I'll be looking at another 14-16 hours on the road to Veracruz.
I've spent quite a bit of time in Mexico in the past, but have never actually been all that far into the country. The furthest I've ever been was Ciudad Victoria, which was about 5 hours (I think) from the border. I'm really looking forward to seeing Veracruz; it's supposed to be a beautiful area of Mexico. It will be great to be able to use my Spanish for several days! I only get to speak Spanish sporadically at Mexican restaurants and with a few Spanish speakers that I know locally, so my brain will be getting a good workout!
Most of all, I'm looking forward to meeting and spending time with more of God's people. I have been doing a bit more visiting other churches nearby over the last few months, but on this trip I'll be visiting several churches that I've never been to before, so that should be cool.
When I get back, I'll have to get to studying for my GRE, the graduate record exam, which is required for formal admission to the MBA program. I'm scheduled to take it January 8th, meaning I'll have to actually miss my first day of one of my classes. I'm currently registered for Principles of Accounting, Principles of Microeconomics, and my personal favorite, Business Calculus. I figure that will probably be the worst class of the whole program, so I might as well get it out of the way and done with my first semester!
So, a few more weeks of taking it relatively easy, then it's shift back into student mode, find a part time job to pay the bills, and get to it! I'll probably be offline for a little over a week while I'm on my trip. Hope every one has a great Thanksgiving! God bless!
Of course, I'm a bit young to be retired for real, but I am taking a few weeks off from work before I start school on January 8th. I haven't posted a blog in a while, and I'm about to be out of town for a bit, so I thought I would offer an update to tide you over (as if everyone were just holding their collective breath!).
So far, retirement has been busy. I just moved the last of my stuff out of my apartment and into Mom's house. Actually most of my worldly possessions currently reside in her much too-crowded garage at the moment. I have come to the conclusion that I have TOO MUCH STUFF. Life would be simpler if I could carry all my possessions in a sack. Probably not happening. Oh well. I digress . . .
So tomorrow is Thanksgiving with the families (yes that's plural; holidays get complicated when the parents are divorced), then Friday morning about 6:30am I am headed for Godfrey for the remainder of the meeting there. I will return to Paducah Saturday night, only to get up and hit the road again by 7am Sunday morning.
I am headed out of town with Bro. Tim Hughes en route to a 2-day meeting in Veracruz, Mexico. The plan is to visit several churches on the way to Brownsville, Texas--tentatively Paragould, Arkansas Sunday morning followed by Little Rock Sunday night, then possibly San Antonio and Dallas and 1 or 2 more in Texas. On Thursday, we will get on the bus with the Brownsville people to head south to Veracruz for the meeting.
Just to give some perspective on this trip, if we were to drive straight through, it takes approximately 21 hours to get to Brownsville from Paducah--it is the southernmost point in the BIG state of Texas. Then, from Brownsville, I'll be looking at another 14-16 hours on the road to Veracruz.
I've spent quite a bit of time in Mexico in the past, but have never actually been all that far into the country. The furthest I've ever been was Ciudad Victoria, which was about 5 hours (I think) from the border. I'm really looking forward to seeing Veracruz; it's supposed to be a beautiful area of Mexico. It will be great to be able to use my Spanish for several days! I only get to speak Spanish sporadically at Mexican restaurants and with a few Spanish speakers that I know locally, so my brain will be getting a good workout!
Most of all, I'm looking forward to meeting and spending time with more of God's people. I have been doing a bit more visiting other churches nearby over the last few months, but on this trip I'll be visiting several churches that I've never been to before, so that should be cool.
When I get back, I'll have to get to studying for my GRE, the graduate record exam, which is required for formal admission to the MBA program. I'm scheduled to take it January 8th, meaning I'll have to actually miss my first day of one of my classes. I'm currently registered for Principles of Accounting, Principles of Microeconomics, and my personal favorite, Business Calculus. I figure that will probably be the worst class of the whole program, so I might as well get it out of the way and done with my first semester!
So, a few more weeks of taking it relatively easy, then it's shift back into student mode, find a part time job to pay the bills, and get to it! I'll probably be offline for a little over a week while I'm on my trip. Hope every one has a great Thanksgiving! God bless!
11/8/06: State of the Psyche Address
Every year the President goes before Congress to deliver his State of the Union address to the nation. This speech is an update on how the country has fared during the past year and the President's vision for the country in the coming year as well. I thought that perhaps it might be good for me to deliver here a state of the psyche address to my blog readers and let you all know how I'm doing and where I'm heading. Maybe this will be an annual event as well--who knows!
What prompts me to do this now is the date. It has been 6 months to the day since my ex-wife left. Many of you know that I had been expecting this to occur for some time, but it still is a shock when it actually occurs. I have been through so many emotional ups and downs during the past 6 months that I feel I can safely say this has been the most trying time of my life to date.
Recently I went to a fellowship meeting in Terre Haute, Indiana, and Bro. Bob Jones spoke about a passage of scripture from Psalms 84:5-6:
"Blessed is the man whose strength is in thee. . . Who passing through the valley of Baca make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools." He explained that the word "Baca" was not actually intended to be a place name, but was mistaken for a proper name and left untranslated. It should actually be read "Blessed is the man whose strength is in thee. . . Who passing through the valley of weeping make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools."
So, a man who is in a season of tears so trying that it seems his tears become rain and fill the low-lying valley is called blessed if his strength is in the Lord!
What a wonderful thought for someone who is coming through dark times. I feel like this verse really describes my situation. The last couple of years, and the last year in particular, have definitely been a valley of weeping in my life, but I truly feel blessed because I have found the Lord to be such a source of strength in my life during this time. Before this trial, I had never had something that so shook me that I had to cry out to Him for help just to go another step. But now I have, and He has answered my cries with the strength that I needed every time.
He is more real to me now than He ever has been. Job 42:5 says "I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee." I knew before from the testimonies of others that God can reach down to you in the depths of despair and lift you up, but now I see His love lifting me up in my own life! In the valley of weeping it is difficult to feel joy. It is difficult to be thankful in the middle of trials. But it is a wonderful opportunity to get to know God and His love in a greater way.
As I said before, there have been many ups and downs. Right after Crystal left, I felt so alone and scared. I had never really lived on my own at all until then. I lived at home until I was 18 when I went to Brownsville, TX for a couple of months and stayed with Rudy and Maribel, then when I returned to Paducah, I moved in with my roommate Eddie for a little over a year before moving to Arkansas and staying with another roommate for the few months before I got married. So I wasn't accustomed to coming home to an empty place. I feel like I am meant to be around people, and if it hadn't been for my church family reaching out to me and being available to open their homes and hearts to me during this time, I don't know how I could have made it.
Bro. Dennis Moell called me several times to help minister to me during this time. He described the pain of divorce like this: "When two people become married, God performs a miracle and makes them one flesh. When that union is torn apart, it leaves a gaping, open wound." Of course, such a wound takes time to heal. I was looking for a way to bind up that wound quickly. The loneliness of not having a life companion as I'd become accustomed to scared me. I went through a long time (really beginning months before Crystal actually left) where I felt more alone than ever in my life. After Crystal left, I felt so incomplete that I thought I needed to find another companion as soon as I could "get away" with it. Of course, this wouldn't have been healthy or fair to me or to whoever the other person might have been. Thank goodness I was able to avoid the pitfalls of the "rebound" relationship.
While I still do feel lonely at times, I feel so much healthier emotionally now than I have in a long time. I honestly feel that I am more ready to pursue a relationship now than I have been yet. It may seem contradictory, but I also feel more willing to wait on that relationship than I have been yet. I remember many people telling me in the first few weeks that I should probably wait for 6 months or a year before starting a new relationship. I thought they were crazy! That seemed like so long at that time! Now it has been 6 months, and it didn't seem to take that long at all. Time has a way of compressing when you look behind and expanding when you look ahead.
Now another 6 months doesn't seem like all that long. I don't want to break down any doors by my own strength, but I want to walk through a door that God has opened. If God opens a door 3 months down the road, so be it, but if He doesn't open a door for over 6 months or even more, then I am more than willing to wait on Him. I don't feel a need at this point to go looking for someone; I want to trust the Lord and let Him work in my life.
So, the state of my psyche is strong! I have been through the valley of weeping, but I am coming out! The Lord is walking with me, and I am leaning on Him. I believe He has good things in store for me, and I don't want to buck His plan for my life by laying out my own plans by my own will, but I want to adjust my life and my mindset to be in line with what He is doing in me and through me. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for me and reached out to help me through the trying times that I have faced. Good day, and God bless!
What prompts me to do this now is the date. It has been 6 months to the day since my ex-wife left. Many of you know that I had been expecting this to occur for some time, but it still is a shock when it actually occurs. I have been through so many emotional ups and downs during the past 6 months that I feel I can safely say this has been the most trying time of my life to date.
Recently I went to a fellowship meeting in Terre Haute, Indiana, and Bro. Bob Jones spoke about a passage of scripture from Psalms 84:5-6:
"Blessed is the man whose strength is in thee. . . Who passing through the valley of Baca make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools." He explained that the word "Baca" was not actually intended to be a place name, but was mistaken for a proper name and left untranslated. It should actually be read "Blessed is the man whose strength is in thee. . . Who passing through the valley of weeping make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools."
So, a man who is in a season of tears so trying that it seems his tears become rain and fill the low-lying valley is called blessed if his strength is in the Lord!
What a wonderful thought for someone who is coming through dark times. I feel like this verse really describes my situation. The last couple of years, and the last year in particular, have definitely been a valley of weeping in my life, but I truly feel blessed because I have found the Lord to be such a source of strength in my life during this time. Before this trial, I had never had something that so shook me that I had to cry out to Him for help just to go another step. But now I have, and He has answered my cries with the strength that I needed every time.
He is more real to me now than He ever has been. Job 42:5 says "I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee." I knew before from the testimonies of others that God can reach down to you in the depths of despair and lift you up, but now I see His love lifting me up in my own life! In the valley of weeping it is difficult to feel joy. It is difficult to be thankful in the middle of trials. But it is a wonderful opportunity to get to know God and His love in a greater way.
As I said before, there have been many ups and downs. Right after Crystal left, I felt so alone and scared. I had never really lived on my own at all until then. I lived at home until I was 18 when I went to Brownsville, TX for a couple of months and stayed with Rudy and Maribel, then when I returned to Paducah, I moved in with my roommate Eddie for a little over a year before moving to Arkansas and staying with another roommate for the few months before I got married. So I wasn't accustomed to coming home to an empty place. I feel like I am meant to be around people, and if it hadn't been for my church family reaching out to me and being available to open their homes and hearts to me during this time, I don't know how I could have made it.
Bro. Dennis Moell called me several times to help minister to me during this time. He described the pain of divorce like this: "When two people become married, God performs a miracle and makes them one flesh. When that union is torn apart, it leaves a gaping, open wound." Of course, such a wound takes time to heal. I was looking for a way to bind up that wound quickly. The loneliness of not having a life companion as I'd become accustomed to scared me. I went through a long time (really beginning months before Crystal actually left) where I felt more alone than ever in my life. After Crystal left, I felt so incomplete that I thought I needed to find another companion as soon as I could "get away" with it. Of course, this wouldn't have been healthy or fair to me or to whoever the other person might have been. Thank goodness I was able to avoid the pitfalls of the "rebound" relationship.
While I still do feel lonely at times, I feel so much healthier emotionally now than I have in a long time. I honestly feel that I am more ready to pursue a relationship now than I have been yet. It may seem contradictory, but I also feel more willing to wait on that relationship than I have been yet. I remember many people telling me in the first few weeks that I should probably wait for 6 months or a year before starting a new relationship. I thought they were crazy! That seemed like so long at that time! Now it has been 6 months, and it didn't seem to take that long at all. Time has a way of compressing when you look behind and expanding when you look ahead.
Now another 6 months doesn't seem like all that long. I don't want to break down any doors by my own strength, but I want to walk through a door that God has opened. If God opens a door 3 months down the road, so be it, but if He doesn't open a door for over 6 months or even more, then I am more than willing to wait on Him. I don't feel a need at this point to go looking for someone; I want to trust the Lord and let Him work in my life.
So, the state of my psyche is strong! I have been through the valley of weeping, but I am coming out! The Lord is walking with me, and I am leaning on Him. I believe He has good things in store for me, and I don't want to buck His plan for my life by laying out my own plans by my own will, but I want to adjust my life and my mindset to be in line with what He is doing in me and through me. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for me and reached out to help me through the trying times that I have faced. Good day, and God bless!
10/30/06: Update
I just wanted to post an update on my blog from 10/23. If you read that one, you'll remember that we'd had an outstanding service Sunday night a week ago yesterday, and had a man come in off the street and go to the altar to get prayed for. He had an outstanding repentance experience and felt a freedom from sin that was overwhelming.
We invited him to come back the next weekend to be with us and to get baptized, but honestly I didn't really expect to see him again. I guess I was being pessimistic, but particularly when we didn't see him Friday night, I just didn't want to be too disappointed if he didn't show up Sunday morning for the baptism.
Long story short, however, yesterday morning he showed up all cleaned up and with a suit and tie on (smelling clean--no alcohol and cigarette stink this time!). He even brought his mother and a friend with him to see him get baptized. He testified about his experience and said that God set him free and cleaned him up last Sunday night, and asked all of us to keep praying for him that he could fulfill God's will in his life. So he was baptized as well as a young girl in our church who received the baptism of the Holy Ghost several months ago.
Before the baptism, Bro. Bernard preached about water baptism and how it is necessary to fulfill all righteousness, following Christ's example when he went to be baptized of John. He said that if someone has repented of their sins that they are eligible for baptism as an outward sign that they are burying their old ways and resurrecting to live for Christ. He said that baptism is something that we can do for someone; it's a physical act that the ministry performs. But there is another baptism that the ministry can't provide; God has to baptize you with the Holy Spirit. If you come in and repent and get baptized, after that if you just stick around and seek after more of what God has for you, then God will immerse you in His Spirit and make you a new creature! As Peter said, "Repent, and be baptized . . . and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost." So, welcome to the church, Bro. Leslie!
We invited him to come back the next weekend to be with us and to get baptized, but honestly I didn't really expect to see him again. I guess I was being pessimistic, but particularly when we didn't see him Friday night, I just didn't want to be too disappointed if he didn't show up Sunday morning for the baptism.
Long story short, however, yesterday morning he showed up all cleaned up and with a suit and tie on (smelling clean--no alcohol and cigarette stink this time!). He even brought his mother and a friend with him to see him get baptized. He testified about his experience and said that God set him free and cleaned him up last Sunday night, and asked all of us to keep praying for him that he could fulfill God's will in his life. So he was baptized as well as a young girl in our church who received the baptism of the Holy Ghost several months ago.
Before the baptism, Bro. Bernard preached about water baptism and how it is necessary to fulfill all righteousness, following Christ's example when he went to be baptized of John. He said that if someone has repented of their sins that they are eligible for baptism as an outward sign that they are burying their old ways and resurrecting to live for Christ. He said that baptism is something that we can do for someone; it's a physical act that the ministry performs. But there is another baptism that the ministry can't provide; God has to baptize you with the Holy Spirit. If you come in and repent and get baptized, after that if you just stick around and seek after more of what God has for you, then God will immerse you in His Spirit and make you a new creature! As Peter said, "Repent, and be baptized . . . and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost." So, welcome to the church, Bro. Leslie!
10/26/06: Building a New Civilization
Ok, so the title of this blog may seem a bit grandiose, but here's the deal: I just started reading a book last night that a friend sent to me. It is New Life After Divorce by Bill Butterworth. In the foreword to the book, John Ortberg says "If it is true that every divorce is the death of a small civilization, then its aftermath involves creating a new one."
This concept of family is an interesting one. I have heard it said that a family should be a miniature church, but the idea of the family unit as a "small civilization" is probably more accurate, as it encompasses not only the church, but every aspect of the life of the family. While my goal would be to have the "civilization" of my family centered around the church, not every family is like that, obviously. But every family does have the essential elements of a civilization: a group of people coexisting in a shared location, a culture that is accepted to a greater or lesser degree by each member of the civilization, a common set of values and beliefs, and customs (folkways and mores) that are generally accepted and followed most of the time.
Every family is different, but every family has these elements of civilization. Some families, like some civilizations, are stronger than others, while some are weaker. When a significant portion of a society rejects the foundations of that civilization, crisis ensues, and either there will be a realignment of the values of the civilization, or the civilization will fall apart. (This is true of any group that forms a sort of civilization: the family, a church, a business, or a nation.) Essentially, this is what happens when a divorce occurs: there is some crisis where the foundations of the family are rejected by one partner, and the civilization disintegrates when an acceptable realignment of values does not occur. In the absence of a revolution, one spouse makes a declaration of independence by filing for divorce. It is a painful process, and is painful when complete.
The description of divorce as the death of a small civilization seems apt to describe what it feels like, because it isn't just about the personal pain, the loss of a life partner, or being alone; it is the loss of an implied or expected future. For me, civilization seems to include the idea of a foundation that has been laid with a view toward some purpose to fulfill (think "manifest destiny"). A family should be the same. But when divorce occurs, the destiny dies. There will always be a question of what might have been.
Close to two months ago, I went to a storage closet to get out my pet taxi so I could take the cat to my ex-wife. We had already been separated for nearly 4 months and divorced for over 2 months at this time, and I had decided I didn't want the cat anymore, so she agreed to take her. Anyway, in the closet I found a box of letters that we had written to each other over the course of several years before and during our marriage. Why I put myself through this I don't know, but I took the box into my living room and sat for close to 2 hours reading every letter. At times I smiled as I remembered the good times, but most of the time I wept as I mourned what had been lost. In another instance a few weeks later, I had a dream about my divorce from which I actually woke up crying. I don't think I had ever actually cried in my sleep before.
The artifacts of the lost civilization are likely to bring up profound feelings of loss until the death of the civilization is fully accepted. I don't claim to know for certain when this process will be complete. I do, however, see progress in my own situation. I was going through some things yesterday, sorting through belongings and deciding what to keep, what to sell, and what to throw away, when I found a framed wedding invitation that was a wedding present when Crystal and I got married in 1998. I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the wave of grief that I expected to come as it had a couple months before when I read those letters. But nothing happened.
I looked at the frame. I looked at the mat with its dried, pressed flowers. I even read over the fancy embossed lettering expecting to feel the return of that familiar, deep-down ache that I'd felt so many times before. But it didn't happen. I simply looked at it, decided that there was no reason to keep it, and put it in the trash. It wasn't an emotional decision. There was no anger, no bitterness; just a realization that this is a part of my life that is now behind me.
So, for me, and for others who find themselves in the category of "suddenly single again", the civilization they were accustomed to being part of is dead. It is probably easier for me than for most since my little civilization didn't include any children. But, the "ruins" of my civilization are still around me, and the question now becomes "how do I clean up the mess and start the process of building a new civilization?".
For me, after several months of reflection, I have decided that part of constructing my new civilization means quitting my job and going back to school for a Master's degree. In the process, I am moving out of the apartment that Crystal and I shared and selling off much of the furniture that we had together. I'll probably keep a few of the nicer artifacts of the dead civilization, but getting rid of the bulk of them, I feel, will help me to bury the past and move toward the future.
So, now I am figuring out where to go from here. I am leaving the ruins of a dead civilization behind me. I know that I have been shaken to the core, but still I stand. I am firmly planted on the foundation that God has placed me on. He will be the initiator in my life, and with His help, I will construct a new civilization with Him at the center. I believe that with His guidance this new civilization will be much stronger than the one I had before.
This concept of family is an interesting one. I have heard it said that a family should be a miniature church, but the idea of the family unit as a "small civilization" is probably more accurate, as it encompasses not only the church, but every aspect of the life of the family. While my goal would be to have the "civilization" of my family centered around the church, not every family is like that, obviously. But every family does have the essential elements of a civilization: a group of people coexisting in a shared location, a culture that is accepted to a greater or lesser degree by each member of the civilization, a common set of values and beliefs, and customs (folkways and mores) that are generally accepted and followed most of the time.
Every family is different, but every family has these elements of civilization. Some families, like some civilizations, are stronger than others, while some are weaker. When a significant portion of a society rejects the foundations of that civilization, crisis ensues, and either there will be a realignment of the values of the civilization, or the civilization will fall apart. (This is true of any group that forms a sort of civilization: the family, a church, a business, or a nation.) Essentially, this is what happens when a divorce occurs: there is some crisis where the foundations of the family are rejected by one partner, and the civilization disintegrates when an acceptable realignment of values does not occur. In the absence of a revolution, one spouse makes a declaration of independence by filing for divorce. It is a painful process, and is painful when complete.
The description of divorce as the death of a small civilization seems apt to describe what it feels like, because it isn't just about the personal pain, the loss of a life partner, or being alone; it is the loss of an implied or expected future. For me, civilization seems to include the idea of a foundation that has been laid with a view toward some purpose to fulfill (think "manifest destiny"). A family should be the same. But when divorce occurs, the destiny dies. There will always be a question of what might have been.
Close to two months ago, I went to a storage closet to get out my pet taxi so I could take the cat to my ex-wife. We had already been separated for nearly 4 months and divorced for over 2 months at this time, and I had decided I didn't want the cat anymore, so she agreed to take her. Anyway, in the closet I found a box of letters that we had written to each other over the course of several years before and during our marriage. Why I put myself through this I don't know, but I took the box into my living room and sat for close to 2 hours reading every letter. At times I smiled as I remembered the good times, but most of the time I wept as I mourned what had been lost. In another instance a few weeks later, I had a dream about my divorce from which I actually woke up crying. I don't think I had ever actually cried in my sleep before.
The artifacts of the lost civilization are likely to bring up profound feelings of loss until the death of the civilization is fully accepted. I don't claim to know for certain when this process will be complete. I do, however, see progress in my own situation. I was going through some things yesterday, sorting through belongings and deciding what to keep, what to sell, and what to throw away, when I found a framed wedding invitation that was a wedding present when Crystal and I got married in 1998. I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the wave of grief that I expected to come as it had a couple months before when I read those letters. But nothing happened.
I looked at the frame. I looked at the mat with its dried, pressed flowers. I even read over the fancy embossed lettering expecting to feel the return of that familiar, deep-down ache that I'd felt so many times before. But it didn't happen. I simply looked at it, decided that there was no reason to keep it, and put it in the trash. It wasn't an emotional decision. There was no anger, no bitterness; just a realization that this is a part of my life that is now behind me.
So, for me, and for others who find themselves in the category of "suddenly single again", the civilization they were accustomed to being part of is dead. It is probably easier for me than for most since my little civilization didn't include any children. But, the "ruins" of my civilization are still around me, and the question now becomes "how do I clean up the mess and start the process of building a new civilization?".
For me, after several months of reflection, I have decided that part of constructing my new civilization means quitting my job and going back to school for a Master's degree. In the process, I am moving out of the apartment that Crystal and I shared and selling off much of the furniture that we had together. I'll probably keep a few of the nicer artifacts of the dead civilization, but getting rid of the bulk of them, I feel, will help me to bury the past and move toward the future.
So, now I am figuring out where to go from here. I am leaving the ruins of a dead civilization behind me. I know that I have been shaken to the core, but still I stand. I am firmly planted on the foundation that God has placed me on. He will be the initiator in my life, and with His help, I will construct a new civilization with Him at the center. I believe that with His guidance this new civilization will be much stronger than the one I had before.
10/23/06: Last night
We had another outstanding service at church last night. We had lots of testimonies that were very uplifting that ran the gamut from an elder sister telling about an experience she had when she was a little girl to a new member of the church who moved here from Malawi, Africa a few months ago and gave her first testimony in our church telling of her experiences with the Lord as a teenager in Africa and how He has taken care of her and brought her here to the United States and to Paducah.
When Bro. Mike was just about to dismiss the service, we all were just in a worshipful frame of mind, with our hands raised and thanking God for all He'd done for us, and the Spirit came in in a great way. That was at around probably 8:30 (service started at 6:30). So when the service was supposed to be over, God had other ideas! (Service didn't finally get over with until about 10:30!) People started to pray down front, and we really had a special visitation of the spirit. One little girl received the Holy Ghost, and lots of people got special blessings. It was like the day of Pentecost in the Bible. People were drunk in the Spirit. I myself found myself shaking uncontrollably under the power of God on more than one occasion. I've never experienced anthing like it. A stranger watching would have supposed we were all drunk or high on something!
I was still praying, sitting on the floor of the platform I think (the chairs had long since been pushed out of the way by people praying in the Spirit who apparently didn't notice the furniture!) when I heard someone asking me to come help pray for a stranger who had come in off the street. I went over to the altar and found an older black man kneeling at the altar bench and crying. We prayed with him and cried with him as he turned over his life to the Lord. He reeked of cigarettes and alcohol; his eyes were bloodshot and he was a bit disheveled. I kneeled in front of him on the platform and reached over the little wall to the altar and held his hand as we all prayed with him. What an experience!
He said that he had been walking by the church on his way to a lady's house when God spoke to him and said to go inside that church and see what was going on in there; that he needed some of that. He came in to find us all praying and speaking in tongues and shouting (many of us drunk in the spirit, while he had been drunk in the traditional sense!).
As he knelt there at that altar, he felt a freedom that he hadn't felt in years. He said that he had known the Lord years ago (in a Baptist church), but that he'd been bound in sin for so long he didn't think he could ever come back to Him. He began to shout out "I'm free! I'm free! I don't have to go back there anymore! God has changed me tonight!" Needless to say, we all shouted some more to see this man that God had just led to come into our midst off the street feeling the power of God for the first time with us. He was so full of love for everyone. Eddie had been praying right beside him the whole time and when they were done praying, the man just kept hugging Eddie and thanking him for praying with him and loving him. He was so emotional and thankful that he grabbed Eddie's head in his hands and planted a big kiss right on Eddie's forehead! After he got up, I went over and gave him a big hug. Under normal circumstances, the smell would have been repulsive, but here it was just a reminder that God can still speak to whom He will, even a rank sinner who just came in off the street with alcohol on his breath!
Eddie spoke with him briefly and related the words of Peter on the day of Pentecost when he answered the question about what was needed to be saved. Peter said that they should repent, be baptized, and that they would receive the Holy Ghost. Eddie told the man that he had gotten his repentance out of the way tonight, and that if he would come this weekend we will fill the baptistry up with water and get him baptized Sunday morning. The man said that he would definitely be here Friday night and Sunday morning. Whether the man ever does come back to the church or not, God gave us a special experience by having him come in. I believe we showed this man love that he's likely never experienced before.
What a mighty God we serve!
When Bro. Mike was just about to dismiss the service, we all were just in a worshipful frame of mind, with our hands raised and thanking God for all He'd done for us, and the Spirit came in in a great way. That was at around probably 8:30 (service started at 6:30). So when the service was supposed to be over, God had other ideas! (Service didn't finally get over with until about 10:30!) People started to pray down front, and we really had a special visitation of the spirit. One little girl received the Holy Ghost, and lots of people got special blessings. It was like the day of Pentecost in the Bible. People were drunk in the Spirit. I myself found myself shaking uncontrollably under the power of God on more than one occasion. I've never experienced anthing like it. A stranger watching would have supposed we were all drunk or high on something!
I was still praying, sitting on the floor of the platform I think (the chairs had long since been pushed out of the way by people praying in the Spirit who apparently didn't notice the furniture!) when I heard someone asking me to come help pray for a stranger who had come in off the street. I went over to the altar and found an older black man kneeling at the altar bench and crying. We prayed with him and cried with him as he turned over his life to the Lord. He reeked of cigarettes and alcohol; his eyes were bloodshot and he was a bit disheveled. I kneeled in front of him on the platform and reached over the little wall to the altar and held his hand as we all prayed with him. What an experience!
He said that he had been walking by the church on his way to a lady's house when God spoke to him and said to go inside that church and see what was going on in there; that he needed some of that. He came in to find us all praying and speaking in tongues and shouting (many of us drunk in the spirit, while he had been drunk in the traditional sense!).
As he knelt there at that altar, he felt a freedom that he hadn't felt in years. He said that he had known the Lord years ago (in a Baptist church), but that he'd been bound in sin for so long he didn't think he could ever come back to Him. He began to shout out "I'm free! I'm free! I don't have to go back there anymore! God has changed me tonight!" Needless to say, we all shouted some more to see this man that God had just led to come into our midst off the street feeling the power of God for the first time with us. He was so full of love for everyone. Eddie had been praying right beside him the whole time and when they were done praying, the man just kept hugging Eddie and thanking him for praying with him and loving him. He was so emotional and thankful that he grabbed Eddie's head in his hands and planted a big kiss right on Eddie's forehead! After he got up, I went over and gave him a big hug. Under normal circumstances, the smell would have been repulsive, but here it was just a reminder that God can still speak to whom He will, even a rank sinner who just came in off the street with alcohol on his breath!
Eddie spoke with him briefly and related the words of Peter on the day of Pentecost when he answered the question about what was needed to be saved. Peter said that they should repent, be baptized, and that they would receive the Holy Ghost. Eddie told the man that he had gotten his repentance out of the way tonight, and that if he would come this weekend we will fill the baptistry up with water and get him baptized Sunday morning. The man said that he would definitely be here Friday night and Sunday morning. Whether the man ever does come back to the church or not, God gave us a special experience by having him come in. I believe we showed this man love that he's likely never experienced before.
What a mighty God we serve!
10/17/06: Wait
This poem was included in a handout provided by Galadriel, who was teaching our Sunday School class for several weeks on the subject of fire baptism. I'm good friends with her and her husband Stewart. She said that they had been going through some things and this poem spoke to them. I can definitely say the same. The answer you may want to hear is not always the one that is best for you! I hope you get as much out of it as I did.
Wait
Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried.
"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"My future, and all to which I can relate
"And Lord, You have promised that if we believe,
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
"You would never experience that fullness of love
"The glow of My comfort late in the night;
"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
My response:Oh God, let me know the depth of the beat of Your heart! Even though I may want a certain answer, I pray that You will give me what I need, not what I want! I know that You know what is best for me better than I do. I trust You more than I trust myself. What loss indeed it would be if I lost what You are doing in me! I know that all things will work together for my good if I love You. Give me patience, Lord, to wait on You.
Wait
By Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
and the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."
"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming Your word."
"My future, and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and You tell me to wait?
I'm needing a yes, a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign."
"And Lord, You have promised that if we believe,
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair; defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel and his eyes met with mine
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run."
"All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence were all you could see."
"You would never experience that fullness of love
as the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."
"The glow of My comfort late in the night;
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
of an infinite God, who makes what you have last."
"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.
'Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! If you lost what I'm doing in you."
"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all...is still...'Wait.' "
My response:Oh God, let me know the depth of the beat of Your heart! Even though I may want a certain answer, I pray that You will give me what I need, not what I want! I know that You know what is best for me better than I do. I trust You more than I trust myself. What loss indeed it would be if I lost what You are doing in me! I know that all things will work together for my good if I love You. Give me patience, Lord, to wait on You.
10/15/06: Some thoughts on humility
I recently read the book Overcoming Life's Disappointments by Harold Kushner. (He also authored When Bad Things Happen to Good People). In it, he uses examples from the life of Moses to illustrate how we should respond to the inevitable tragedies of life. (I've had a few, how about you?)
The Bible describes Moses as "very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." (Num. 12:3) Interesting. If God used me to part the Red Sea, speak to a rock to bring forth water in a desert, lead a multitude out of slavery and into a land that He had promised, I wonder how meek I would be? (Probably not very. Maybe that's why He hasn't used me for anything so great!) How was Moses able to be so humble when he was so greatly used by God?
We often think of humility as being deferential or submissive. Neither of these seem to apply to Moses. He was certainly not afraid to stand up to Pharoah or to workers of iniquity in the congregation of Israel. Perhaps our modern concept of humility is skewed. Kushner offers a bit of a different view of humility:
"Humility is the realization that not everything that happens in life is all about you. Things may work out well, but you may not have been the primary reason for their success. Things may fail, but the failure may not have been your fault. If it rains on the day of your daughter's wedding or on every day of your beach vacation, that is just weather, and farmers and gardeners may in fact be grateful for it. It was not some cosmic conspiracy to deprive you of happiness.
"Humility means recognizing that you are not God and it is not your job or responsibility to run the world. Some people are dissappointed to learn that; most mentally healthy people are immensely relieved. Moses was able to surmount the problems and frustrations in his life because he understood that he was not God and could not be expected to be, and that God's plan for humanity did not depend solely on him."
Wow! I am reminded of an oft-quoted maxim in my church: "A man who comes to the Lord must realize two things. # 1: There is a God...#2: I am not Him!"
We often look at humility only from the standpoint of not getting a big head when things are going good, but when things don't go good, it is actually pretty egotistical to blame yourself when it might not have been something over which you had any power at all. Sometimes we get all bent out of shape over things in our lives and wonder why God is doing this to us. Maybe we're not really that important! It may just be something that is common to man. Or it may be that God is using it to work in our lives. He does know what He is doing! Perhaps allowing us to go through some trials is what we need to make us who He wants us to be.
We human beings have a tendency to blame ourselves when things go wrong and take credit when they go right. Both cases are showing a lack of humility. Let's let Him run His world, and let's do what we can to adjust our lives to be in line with His plan!
The Bible describes Moses as "very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." (Num. 12:3) Interesting. If God used me to part the Red Sea, speak to a rock to bring forth water in a desert, lead a multitude out of slavery and into a land that He had promised, I wonder how meek I would be? (Probably not very. Maybe that's why He hasn't used me for anything so great!) How was Moses able to be so humble when he was so greatly used by God?
We often think of humility as being deferential or submissive. Neither of these seem to apply to Moses. He was certainly not afraid to stand up to Pharoah or to workers of iniquity in the congregation of Israel. Perhaps our modern concept of humility is skewed. Kushner offers a bit of a different view of humility:
"Humility is the realization that not everything that happens in life is all about you. Things may work out well, but you may not have been the primary reason for their success. Things may fail, but the failure may not have been your fault. If it rains on the day of your daughter's wedding or on every day of your beach vacation, that is just weather, and farmers and gardeners may in fact be grateful for it. It was not some cosmic conspiracy to deprive you of happiness.
"Humility means recognizing that you are not God and it is not your job or responsibility to run the world. Some people are dissappointed to learn that; most mentally healthy people are immensely relieved. Moses was able to surmount the problems and frustrations in his life because he understood that he was not God and could not be expected to be, and that God's plan for humanity did not depend solely on him."
Wow! I am reminded of an oft-quoted maxim in my church: "A man who comes to the Lord must realize two things. # 1: There is a God...#2: I am not Him!"
We often look at humility only from the standpoint of not getting a big head when things are going good, but when things don't go good, it is actually pretty egotistical to blame yourself when it might not have been something over which you had any power at all. Sometimes we get all bent out of shape over things in our lives and wonder why God is doing this to us. Maybe we're not really that important! It may just be something that is common to man. Or it may be that God is using it to work in our lives. He does know what He is doing! Perhaps allowing us to go through some trials is what we need to make us who He wants us to be.
We human beings have a tendency to blame ourselves when things go wrong and take credit when they go right. Both cases are showing a lack of humility. Let's let Him run His world, and let's do what we can to adjust our lives to be in line with His plan!
10/14/06: Nazi-occupied Holland survivor recounts experiences
Back in August, I wrote down the following after hearing an incredible story that I didn't want to forget. I have changed the names since I haven't obtained permission to post personal info, but many of my friends from church would know the people involved or at least some of their family. This is a bit long, but worth it. (The quotes are better if you read them to yourself in a slight Dutch accent!)
8/21/06
Sis. Margot Schmidt, who lives in Michigan, was in town with her sister from Holland to reunite with family in the U.S., some of whom she hadn't seen in over 25 years. They have a brother here in Paducah so they came to see him and visited the church as well. All of them were born in Holland, but Sis. Margot and her brother emigrated to the U.S. in the mid-50s, while their sister stayed in Holland. I would guess that Sis. Margot is probably around 70-75 years old. We went out to eat after service and several of us had an opportunity to talk with Sis. Margot about her memories of Holland during the Nazi era. She related her memories of young Anne Franke, who lived in the same neighborhood as she did. I believe Anne Franke was a bit older than Sis. Margot at the time.
They weren't close friends or anything, but they were acquaintances who sometimes played together with a big group from the neighborhood. She remembered a particular incident, just after the Jews had begun to be required to wear the star of David any time they were in public. "They were no longer allowed to walk on the sidewalk, but they had to walk beside the curb in the ditch. I remember she used to roller skate up and down the street and we would all play in a plaza there in the neighborhood; we didn't ask each other where we came from, what we believed, or what religion we were: we were just kids playing!
"A bunch of us kids were playing in the plaza and I remember she came up to the curb and asked "Can I still play here?" and it just broke my heart. Then this big bully kid walked up and said "No, she can't play because she is a Jew and she has to stay in the ditch!" You see, he was a Nazi. We worked him over good. Well, we really beat the crap out of him, let's face it. He was bigger than all of us, but there were more of us than there was of him! She played with us that night in the plaza but she never played there again.
"Then of course years later I heard what had happened to her, and it was so sad, it just breaks my heart. People ask me if I've ever read that book, but no, I can't do it, it is just too painful. I thought about it enough and I don't want to think about it no more! I don't want to remember her that way. I want to remember her as the smiling, laughing, happy little girl that she was. . ." At this point her voice was breaking up and she had to turn away from our group that was standing in the parking lot outside the restaurant and walk a few steps away to regain her composure before turning back to us again.
"You know, I have little rooms in my mind, and I keep the doors closed. Any time they are opened again, it hurts too much. I remember on September 11th, my daughter called me and said, 'You have to turn on the television and see what's going on!' because I didn't know anything about it. I turned it on and saw, and immediately, I could smell Rotterdam. Just seeing the destruction, I could literally smell the dead people burning in Rotterdam. I couldn't get that smell out of my nose for 2 weeks. Seeing that evil had opened a door in my mind and I just couldn't get it shut. My arms were just shaking I was so affected by it. Finally Bro. Jones [her pastor in MI] talked with me and said 'Sis. Schmidt, I know this sounds bad, but you need to go and get some Xanex. I know that you will be ok once you get those doors shut.' So, I went to the doctor, and she knows a little bit about me and who I am. She didn't ask any questions, she just wrote me the prescription and let me go. I had to take 2 of them, and that settled my nerves. I got those doors in my mind shut again, and I don't want to open them no more!
"And then I see where they are talking about negotiating with Iran: 'let's just be nice and talk with them, maybe we can smooth things out,' and I think 'that's just what they did back there with Hitler! They dilly-dallied around, they fiddle-fuddled around, they talked with him, they tried to be nice, and a few years later, millions of people were dead! If I weren't a Christian and I was sitting in that house where President Bush is, I would just bomb the crap out of them and we'd be done with it!
"You know, people don't understand evil. So many people just try to be nice with these kinds of people and talk about it; but these people aren't nice. They are evil. I have seen real evil, but most people haven't seen it like that. I just try to keep those doors shut in my mind so that I don't have to live through it again. I lived through it once, and I don't want to do it again!
"You know, I think about how God has chosen me. There were so many people in Holland that he could have chosen, but there were just a few of us that left and came here to be a part of the church. I don't know why he chose little old me! I just really don't understand it. He picked me out of all of those people, and I don't know why. I just thank Him for it! That's why I'm the luckiest girl in the world!"
8/21/06
Sis. Margot Schmidt, who lives in Michigan, was in town with her sister from Holland to reunite with family in the U.S., some of whom she hadn't seen in over 25 years. They have a brother here in Paducah so they came to see him and visited the church as well. All of them were born in Holland, but Sis. Margot and her brother emigrated to the U.S. in the mid-50s, while their sister stayed in Holland. I would guess that Sis. Margot is probably around 70-75 years old. We went out to eat after service and several of us had an opportunity to talk with Sis. Margot about her memories of Holland during the Nazi era. She related her memories of young Anne Franke, who lived in the same neighborhood as she did. I believe Anne Franke was a bit older than Sis. Margot at the time.
They weren't close friends or anything, but they were acquaintances who sometimes played together with a big group from the neighborhood. She remembered a particular incident, just after the Jews had begun to be required to wear the star of David any time they were in public. "They were no longer allowed to walk on the sidewalk, but they had to walk beside the curb in the ditch. I remember she used to roller skate up and down the street and we would all play in a plaza there in the neighborhood; we didn't ask each other where we came from, what we believed, or what religion we were: we were just kids playing!
"A bunch of us kids were playing in the plaza and I remember she came up to the curb and asked "Can I still play here?" and it just broke my heart. Then this big bully kid walked up and said "No, she can't play because she is a Jew and she has to stay in the ditch!" You see, he was a Nazi. We worked him over good. Well, we really beat the crap out of him, let's face it. He was bigger than all of us, but there were more of us than there was of him! She played with us that night in the plaza but she never played there again.
"Then of course years later I heard what had happened to her, and it was so sad, it just breaks my heart. People ask me if I've ever read that book, but no, I can't do it, it is just too painful. I thought about it enough and I don't want to think about it no more! I don't want to remember her that way. I want to remember her as the smiling, laughing, happy little girl that she was. . ." At this point her voice was breaking up and she had to turn away from our group that was standing in the parking lot outside the restaurant and walk a few steps away to regain her composure before turning back to us again.
"You know, I have little rooms in my mind, and I keep the doors closed. Any time they are opened again, it hurts too much. I remember on September 11th, my daughter called me and said, 'You have to turn on the television and see what's going on!' because I didn't know anything about it. I turned it on and saw, and immediately, I could smell Rotterdam. Just seeing the destruction, I could literally smell the dead people burning in Rotterdam. I couldn't get that smell out of my nose for 2 weeks. Seeing that evil had opened a door in my mind and I just couldn't get it shut. My arms were just shaking I was so affected by it. Finally Bro. Jones [her pastor in MI] talked with me and said 'Sis. Schmidt, I know this sounds bad, but you need to go and get some Xanex. I know that you will be ok once you get those doors shut.' So, I went to the doctor, and she knows a little bit about me and who I am. She didn't ask any questions, she just wrote me the prescription and let me go. I had to take 2 of them, and that settled my nerves. I got those doors in my mind shut again, and I don't want to open them no more!
"And then I see where they are talking about negotiating with Iran: 'let's just be nice and talk with them, maybe we can smooth things out,' and I think 'that's just what they did back there with Hitler! They dilly-dallied around, they fiddle-fuddled around, they talked with him, they tried to be nice, and a few years later, millions of people were dead! If I weren't a Christian and I was sitting in that house where President Bush is, I would just bomb the crap out of them and we'd be done with it!
"You know, people don't understand evil. So many people just try to be nice with these kinds of people and talk about it; but these people aren't nice. They are evil. I have seen real evil, but most people haven't seen it like that. I just try to keep those doors shut in my mind so that I don't have to live through it again. I lived through it once, and I don't want to do it again!
"You know, I think about how God has chosen me. There were so many people in Holland that he could have chosen, but there were just a few of us that left and came here to be a part of the church. I don't know why he chose little old me! I just really don't understand it. He picked me out of all of those people, and I don't know why. I just thank Him for it! That's why I'm the luckiest girl in the world!"
10/11/06: Sunday night's service
Sunday night's service was a landmark for me personally and for the church as a whole as well. I was ushering and stationed in the foyer at the beginning of service, but I stood in the door and sang and worshipped at the beginning of the service as the band played "Let Your Spirit Fall On Me". I felt the Lord very strongly then, but it didn't "break loose" just yet. Eddie got up to open the service and preached under the anointing of the Lord, touching his recurring theme of getting out of your comfort zone. I didn't really feel much being back in the foyer separated from the action, but when Eddie finished, Rachel went to the piano and started singing "Give Up and Let Jesus Take Over".
Several people were gathering down front to pray, first a few of the married couples, followed by more and more people. Bro. Dave Sikes came to the foyer and said I could go inside for the rest of the service. I stood beside Bro. Wayne Bolton and sang for a few minutes before asking if they could handle it without me if I went down front. He said to go ahead, and I went up there and helped pray for just a minute with Bro. Wayne Andrews and Bro. Scott McDonald before I raised my hands myself as I felt the Spirit strongly and I knew that I needed a special touch from the Lord to help me begin to let go of the pain and grief that I've been facing. It wasn't long at all before I was crying uncontrollably and forcefully speaking in tongues. It felt like I was really turning some things over to the Lord. I've been carrying these emotional burdens for months, and I needed this release of crying out to the Lord and letting his Spirit wash over me. My dad came over and prayed with me for a long time standing on my right side, and Marianna came and stood on the other side. The two of them held me up for probably half an hour or more as I just prayed and cried out to the Lord for myself as others were praying all around me as well.
I was beginning to come to myself a bit and look around at my surroundings and saw a large group on the platform behind the piano and stretching into the band. The Spirit was very strong and it started to get over on me again. Rachel was still playing the same song, but was crying and had her eyes closed as she felt the Spirit all around her. Finally they started to pray for her directly and Bernard lifted her hands up off the piano keys, stopping the music abruptly. Often I've noticed the Spirit seeming to diminish when the music stops, but this had the opposite effect. Marianna saw me looking up at the group on the platform and asked if I wanted to go up there. I nodded and she helped me up there. The Spirit was back on me stronger than it had been yet as I approached the group. I prayed briefly with Bernard and Scott McDonald, then with Steve Smith for several minutes and with Daniel as well. Finally I got to Stewart who was standing near the piano and Kyle who was sitting on the front row of the band. I put one hand on each of them and just prayed and cried with them for a long time.
After some time I sat down in the chair next to Kyle and continued crying and speaking in tongues. This whole time my jaw had been shaking uncontrollably as I spoke to the Lord through the Spirit "with groanings that cannot be uttered". It took a long time for the Spirit to subside enough that I felt back in control of my vocal organs. This was the deepest experience in the Spirit that I've had in a long time-possibly years. I truly believe God worked some things out of me through this. I know it's not all over yet, but I know this was an integral part to my returning to a healthy place emotionally. As I started to come to myself, I started praying in English a bit, and the words that came to me were "Oh, God, here I am. Take these broken pieces and do what You will with me." Reflecting on this since, I think that much of the time over the last few months, I've been trying to tell myself and project to others that I am ok, that God had spared me from really being wounded by my divorce, that I'd just dealt with it better than most people, that I wasn't really broken. I think it was a big step for me emotionally to admit that yes, I am broken, wounded, in need of healing. I know that this process of healing has been going on for some time now, but last night was certainly a watershed event.
After I sat there quietly for another 20 minutes or so, Stewart got up for a few minutes and Sis. Katheryn Medley came and sat in the seat to my right where he had been. She said "I know this is going to sound strange, but I need to tell you something. I think you know that the Lord has something special in store for you, and I feel like He wants me to tell you that you don't need to worry about it, that it's all going to work out." She then awkwardly repeated "I know that sounds strange" then got up and walked away. I felt very comforted and full of hope to know that the Lord is concerned about me.
I know what I would like for that to be about, and I feel like I do know, but if not, I need to remember what Sis. Katheryn prophesied—that the Lord has something special in store for me. Whatever that may be, it has to be a good thing. I'll try not to worry about it in the meantime!
Several people were gathering down front to pray, first a few of the married couples, followed by more and more people. Bro. Dave Sikes came to the foyer and said I could go inside for the rest of the service. I stood beside Bro. Wayne Bolton and sang for a few minutes before asking if they could handle it without me if I went down front. He said to go ahead, and I went up there and helped pray for just a minute with Bro. Wayne Andrews and Bro. Scott McDonald before I raised my hands myself as I felt the Spirit strongly and I knew that I needed a special touch from the Lord to help me begin to let go of the pain and grief that I've been facing. It wasn't long at all before I was crying uncontrollably and forcefully speaking in tongues. It felt like I was really turning some things over to the Lord. I've been carrying these emotional burdens for months, and I needed this release of crying out to the Lord and letting his Spirit wash over me. My dad came over and prayed with me for a long time standing on my right side, and Marianna came and stood on the other side. The two of them held me up for probably half an hour or more as I just prayed and cried out to the Lord for myself as others were praying all around me as well.
I was beginning to come to myself a bit and look around at my surroundings and saw a large group on the platform behind the piano and stretching into the band. The Spirit was very strong and it started to get over on me again. Rachel was still playing the same song, but was crying and had her eyes closed as she felt the Spirit all around her. Finally they started to pray for her directly and Bernard lifted her hands up off the piano keys, stopping the music abruptly. Often I've noticed the Spirit seeming to diminish when the music stops, but this had the opposite effect. Marianna saw me looking up at the group on the platform and asked if I wanted to go up there. I nodded and she helped me up there. The Spirit was back on me stronger than it had been yet as I approached the group. I prayed briefly with Bernard and Scott McDonald, then with Steve Smith for several minutes and with Daniel as well. Finally I got to Stewart who was standing near the piano and Kyle who was sitting on the front row of the band. I put one hand on each of them and just prayed and cried with them for a long time.
After some time I sat down in the chair next to Kyle and continued crying and speaking in tongues. This whole time my jaw had been shaking uncontrollably as I spoke to the Lord through the Spirit "with groanings that cannot be uttered". It took a long time for the Spirit to subside enough that I felt back in control of my vocal organs. This was the deepest experience in the Spirit that I've had in a long time-possibly years. I truly believe God worked some things out of me through this. I know it's not all over yet, but I know this was an integral part to my returning to a healthy place emotionally. As I started to come to myself, I started praying in English a bit, and the words that came to me were "Oh, God, here I am. Take these broken pieces and do what You will with me." Reflecting on this since, I think that much of the time over the last few months, I've been trying to tell myself and project to others that I am ok, that God had spared me from really being wounded by my divorce, that I'd just dealt with it better than most people, that I wasn't really broken. I think it was a big step for me emotionally to admit that yes, I am broken, wounded, in need of healing. I know that this process of healing has been going on for some time now, but last night was certainly a watershed event.
After I sat there quietly for another 20 minutes or so, Stewart got up for a few minutes and Sis. Katheryn Medley came and sat in the seat to my right where he had been. She said "I know this is going to sound strange, but I need to tell you something. I think you know that the Lord has something special in store for you, and I feel like He wants me to tell you that you don't need to worry about it, that it's all going to work out." She then awkwardly repeated "I know that sounds strange" then got up and walked away. I felt very comforted and full of hope to know that the Lord is concerned about me.
I know what I would like for that to be about, and I feel like I do know, but if not, I need to remember what Sis. Katheryn prophesied—that the Lord has something special in store for me. Whatever that may be, it has to be a good thing. I'll try not to worry about it in the meantime!
10/8/06: My Psalm
Here's something I wrote a couple of months ago on a Sunday morning before church. I'd been reading in Psalms and had been thinking of writing a psalm myself for several days, then when I started to write, it just flowed out. Maybe it will be uplifting to someone:
I praise You Lord for who You are! You are greater than my mind can comprehend: You who formed the universe out of nothing, You who see the sparrow in the midst of the storm, You who created all life, You who hear each tiny heartbeat of an unborn child, You who set the world in motion, You who know the end of every beginning. You care about me!
Keep me Lord in the palm of Your hand. Lead me Lord in the way You would have me to go. Show me the next step You want me to take. Help me respond to Your gentle guidance as an obedient sheep to a loving shepherd. But Lord, when I am weak, when I am stubborn, when I am indifferent to Your leading, use Your rod and Your staff to move me in the right direction. Even when I don't seem to want Your leading, yes, especially then--lead me Lord!
Mold this vessel on Your wheel of life's circumstances. Apply the water of Your spirit when my clay is too dry to shape. Make me just what You want me to be, fit for Your purpose! Lord, when the time is right, when this vessel has been prepared to stand the heat, place me in the fire. I know that you will watch and give me strength to stand as You allow fiery trials to harden me into a vessel that can be used by You. When I have come through the fire under Your care, use me Lord as You see fit. Let me be a vessel of honor, Lord I pray! Let me be a reservoir of Your spirit, ever mindful of others who may need a drink!
If ever I fall and am broken, if ever I crack under the pressure, remember Lord who I am and what I am made of. Remember that without You I am but dust. I am weak without Your spirit and Your fire that strengthens me. Pick me up, Lord! Mend me! Return me to the wheel if necessary, Lord! Add to me what needs to be added. Take away what must be taken away. I trust Lord that You know what You are doing. Only give me strength to stand the fire again! Lord, make me what I ought to be!
8/13/06
I praise You Lord for who You are! You are greater than my mind can comprehend: You who formed the universe out of nothing, You who see the sparrow in the midst of the storm, You who created all life, You who hear each tiny heartbeat of an unborn child, You who set the world in motion, You who know the end of every beginning. You care about me!
Keep me Lord in the palm of Your hand. Lead me Lord in the way You would have me to go. Show me the next step You want me to take. Help me respond to Your gentle guidance as an obedient sheep to a loving shepherd. But Lord, when I am weak, when I am stubborn, when I am indifferent to Your leading, use Your rod and Your staff to move me in the right direction. Even when I don't seem to want Your leading, yes, especially then--lead me Lord!
Mold this vessel on Your wheel of life's circumstances. Apply the water of Your spirit when my clay is too dry to shape. Make me just what You want me to be, fit for Your purpose! Lord, when the time is right, when this vessel has been prepared to stand the heat, place me in the fire. I know that you will watch and give me strength to stand as You allow fiery trials to harden me into a vessel that can be used by You. When I have come through the fire under Your care, use me Lord as You see fit. Let me be a vessel of honor, Lord I pray! Let me be a reservoir of Your spirit, ever mindful of others who may need a drink!
If ever I fall and am broken, if ever I crack under the pressure, remember Lord who I am and what I am made of. Remember that without You I am but dust. I am weak without Your spirit and Your fire that strengthens me. Pick me up, Lord! Mend me! Return me to the wheel if necessary, Lord! Add to me what needs to be added. Take away what must be taken away. I trust Lord that You know what You are doing. Only give me strength to stand the fire again! Lord, make me what I ought to be!
8/13/06
First blogspot post
I started blogging about 2 months ago on myspace. That url is myspace.com/therealjmd if anyone would like to visit. I am planning to copy and paste my previous blog entries here for those who do not visit myspace. I realize that there is a lot of negative stuff on that site, so I understand that many don't use it. My feeling is that there is a huge audience on myspace of friends and acquaintances who are not in church or those who used to be in church that may get something out of my blog postings who would never read them if they weren't on myspace. Anyway, feel free to comment and link to my blog here or on myspace if you like. God bless!
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