11/8/06: State of the Psyche Address

Every year the President goes before Congress to deliver his State of the Union address to the nation. This speech is an update on how the country has fared during the past year and the President's vision for the country in the coming year as well. I thought that perhaps it might be good for me to deliver here a state of the psyche address to my blog readers and let you all know how I'm doing and where I'm heading. Maybe this will be an annual event as well--who knows!

What prompts me to do this now is the date. It has been 6 months to the day since my ex-wife left. Many of you know that I had been expecting this to occur for some time, but it still is a shock when it actually occurs. I have been through so many emotional ups and downs during the past 6 months that I feel I can safely say this has been the most trying time of my life to date.
Recently I went to a fellowship meeting in Terre Haute, Indiana, and Bro. Bob Jones spoke about a passage of scripture from Psalms 84:5-6:

"Blessed is the man whose strength is in thee. . . Who passing through the valley of Baca make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools." He explained that the word "Baca" was not actually intended to be a place name, but was mistaken for a proper name and left untranslated. It should actually be read "Blessed is the man whose strength is in thee. . . Who passing through the valley of weeping make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools."

So, a man who is in a season of tears so trying that it seems his tears become rain and fill the low-lying valley is called blessed if his strength is in the Lord!

What a wonderful thought for someone who is coming through dark times. I feel like this verse really describes my situation. The last couple of years, and the last year in particular, have definitely been a valley of weeping in my life, but I truly feel blessed because I have found the Lord to be such a source of strength in my life during this time. Before this trial, I had never had something that so shook me that I had to cry out to Him for help just to go another step. But now I have, and He has answered my cries with the strength that I needed every time.

He is more real to me now than He ever has been. Job 42:5 says "I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee." I knew before from the testimonies of others that God can reach down to you in the depths of despair and lift you up, but now I see His love lifting me up in my own life! In the valley of weeping it is difficult to feel joy. It is difficult to be thankful in the middle of trials. But it is a wonderful opportunity to get to know God and His love in a greater way.

As I said before, there have been many ups and downs. Right after Crystal left, I felt so alone and scared. I had never really lived on my own at all until then. I lived at home until I was 18 when I went to Brownsville, TX for a couple of months and stayed with Rudy and Maribel, then when I returned to Paducah, I moved in with my roommate Eddie for a little over a year before moving to Arkansas and staying with another roommate for the few months before I got married. So I wasn't accustomed to coming home to an empty place. I feel like I am meant to be around people, and if it hadn't been for my church family reaching out to me and being available to open their homes and hearts to me during this time, I don't know how I could have made it.

Bro. Dennis Moell called me several times to help minister to me during this time. He described the pain of divorce like this: "When two people become married, God performs a miracle and makes them one flesh. When that union is torn apart, it leaves a gaping, open wound." Of course, such a wound takes time to heal. I was looking for a way to bind up that wound quickly. The loneliness of not having a life companion as I'd become accustomed to scared me. I went through a long time (really beginning months before Crystal actually left) where I felt more alone than ever in my life. After Crystal left, I felt so incomplete that I thought I needed to find another companion as soon as I could "get away" with it. Of course, this wouldn't have been healthy or fair to me or to whoever the other person might have been. Thank goodness I was able to avoid the pitfalls of the "rebound" relationship.

While I still do feel lonely at times, I feel so much healthier emotionally now than I have in a long time. I honestly feel that I am more ready to pursue a relationship now than I have been yet. It may seem contradictory, but I also feel more willing to wait on that relationship than I have been yet. I remember many people telling me in the first few weeks that I should probably wait for 6 months or a year before starting a new relationship. I thought they were crazy! That seemed like so long at that time! Now it has been 6 months, and it didn't seem to take that long at all. Time has a way of compressing when you look behind and expanding when you look ahead.

Now another 6 months doesn't seem like all that long. I don't want to break down any doors by my own strength, but I want to walk through a door that God has opened. If God opens a door 3 months down the road, so be it, but if He doesn't open a door for over 6 months or even more, then I am more than willing to wait on Him. I don't feel a need at this point to go looking for someone; I want to trust the Lord and let Him work in my life.

So, the state of my psyche is strong! I have been through the valley of weeping, but I am coming out! The Lord is walking with me, and I am leaning on Him. I believe He has good things in store for me, and I don't want to buck His plan for my life by laying out my own plans by my own will, but I want to adjust my life and my mindset to be in line with what He is doing in me and through me. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for me and reached out to help me through the trying times that I have faced. Good day, and God bless!